Glenn: Good morning, everyone. Good morning. Okay, let's focus up.
Dina: Quiet!
Glenn: Morning, everyone. Okay, uh, before the new district manager gets here, I just wanted to warn you her name is Laurie Neustadt. And she's a woman, so let's not act like that's weird.
Mateo: Um, is it weird?
Glenn: No. I mean just don't act like anything's weird. Ever. In general.
Amy: Nice recovery.
Marcus: Man, I hope she's a WILF. It's a woman I'd like to [bleep].
Justine: That's what that means.
Cheyenne: I'm excited to have a woman in charge.
Myrtle: The world's moving too fast. Enough already.
Glenn: I'm just worried that I'm gonna say something weird. I wish I knew something more about her.
Jonah: I'm Googling her, and apparently she's from Denver.
Glenn: Denver, terrific. Let's go with the Denver thing.
Amy: Or we could just treat her like she's a human being.
Glenn: Yeah, but we've got the Denver thing in case that doesn't work out.
Amy: Right, and why wouldn't that work?
Glenn: Okay, she's here. Places, everyone!
Garrett: Whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Glenn: What?
Garrett: Now I'm ready.
Laurie: Hey, everyone.
Glenn: Milady.
Laurie: Okay. Um, hi. I am Laurie Neustadt. I'm taking over for Jeff. I'm gonna be here all day walking around, getting to know the store, trying to figure out ways we can make things a little more efficient. So, um, busy day. Let's, uh, get back out there.
Glenn: Let's get back out there. Bet they say that a lot on the slopes of Denver, huh?
Laurie: I guess.
Jonah: I, actually, I think this is a different Laurie Neustadt.
Justine: Laurie seems like kind of a bitch, right?
Marcus: She's like this strict schoolteacher in a porn but nothing good ends up happening. She just like, teaches.
Sandra: Yeah, and her shoes made a lot of noise. I mean, what?
Amy: Are you guys seriously weirded out by a female boss? It's 2018.
Sandra: You're right. To be honest, I really liked her shoes.
Jonah: You know, a lot of people think women make better bosses than men. It's like they say, uh, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did but backwards and in high heels.
Myrtle: That's total crap. When did Ginger dance backwards?
Jonah: Oh, uh, it's just an expression.
Myrtle: They danced in circles or side by side.
Marcus: You're only defending her because she's a woman. That's sexism.
Amy: If she was a man, there's no way we'd be standing around talking about her appearance.
Jonah: Exactly.
Myrtle: Name one picture where Ginger Rogers was better than Rita Hayworth.
Jonah: I don't know any.
Myrtle: Ginger Rogers was nothing.
Marcus: Come on, man. "Big Time." "Top Hat." "Swinging Down to Rio." You froze up, dude.
Mateo: Ugh, Laurie's gonna be looking at our stats, and my checkout scores are terrible. That scanner never works for me. It's probably because I swallowed a magnet when I was four. It just never came out.
Cheyenne: Who cares if you're bad at one thing? I'm bad at driving, but I'm good at texting and driving.
Mateo: My UPM score is a five.
Garrett: A five? Even I got a 30.
Mateo: Well, you have better hand-eye coordination. I can't be wasting my time playing "Star Trek" video games all day.
Garrett: Uh, it's "Star Wars."
Mateo: Same diff. They're just ugly people floating in space.
Garrett: Yeah, they're not floating in space. They're on planets most of the time. That's just an ignorant comment.
Laurie: Oh, excuse me, you're the floor manager, right?
Amy: Uh yeah, hi. Amy.
Laurie: Hi. Um, there is an employee, Sal Kazlauskas, who has a lot of open sexual harassment complaints against him.
Amy: Yeah, it's fine. He died in the wall.
Laurie: That's this store?
Amy: Mm-hmm.
Laurie: Okay, good to know. Thank you.
Amy: Yeah, anytime. Hey, um, can I just say, it's it's really cool to have a woman district manager. I mean, it's about time, right? Thank you.
Laurie: Well, I had to have sex with a lot of board members to get here, so...I'm kidding.
Amy: No, I didn't, I mean, I wouldn't, anyway, uh, if I can, you know, give you a hand with anything, let me know.
Laurie: Oh, actually, you know what? I would love some help with some of these personnel details.
Amy: Oh, uh, yeah. Okay, sure. Arby's has the meats, but Amy's got the deets. I'm sorry. That was weird.
Laurie: That was weird.
Dina: Hey, I just wanted to make sure we're on the same page about keeping this whole situation from Laurie.
Glenn: Oh, 'cause you're not married.
Dina: What? No. I just mean a lot of bosses don't like preggos.
Glenn: What? No, everyone loves preggos. It's like the saying. Everyone likes preggos, LEGOs, and Eggos.
Dina: Not me. If I hear someone's pregnant, all I think about is bathroom breaks and doctors' appointments and hormones. It's like we don't need another Elias.
Glenn: Okay, but Laurie's gonna find out eventually.
Dina: Well, we'll deal with that if it comes to it, but for all we know, I may lose the baby and this is never even an issue.
Glenn: Wait, what?
Dina: I'm just saying, things happen. I live in a very dangerous neighborhood. People are always pushing other people. Anyway Later, boss.
Glenn: Move! You've gotta move.
Amy: We try and keep Carol and Sandra on opposite sides of the store. It's sort of like a like a Crips and Bloods thing.
Laurie: And Justine Sikowicz?
Amy: Justine is a hard worker. Um, she cries a lot in the bathroom. But not, like, in a way where you feel like you have to go in.
Laurie: Got it, okay. Uh, Myrtle Vartanian?
Amy: Oh, Myrtle, yeah. She's sweet. She doesn't do very much. Doesn't do it very well, but...
Laurie: She actually makes more money than anyone else at her level.
Amy: Yeah, well, I guess when you've been here that long, even 40-cent pay bumps add up, huh?
Laurie: Good to know. All right, well, at least we know we can cut Myrtle. Okay, why don't you tell me about Cody?
Amy: Oh, wait, uh, sorry. Um, when you say cut Myrtle, you don't mean like...
Laurie: Oh, my God, no. I'm not, like, a monster.
Amy: Oh, okay. Phew.
Laurie: I'm not, like, gonna literally cut her. No, I just mean fire her.
Amy: Oh, um...
Laurie: Okay, tell me about Marcus White. What's his IQ? Because if it's low enough, we get a tax break.
Jonah: So out of the blue, she just decided to fire Myrtle?
Amy: Exactly. Yeah, that's exactly what happened.
Jonah: There has to be a reason.
Amy: Well, I don't know. I just met her. I don't know what's inside of her mind.
Jonah: I think you do know.
Amy: Okay, fine. I might have mentioned that Myrtle is not very good at her job.
Jonah: What? Why would you say that?
Amy: Because she asked me about Myrtle.
Jonah: So you led with, "Myrtle's not good at her job"?
Amy: No, I led with, "She's very sweet", and she's not very good at her job." I don't know. We were bonding. Are we gonna stand around and just point fingers, or are you gonna help me fix this?
Jonah: I was thinking we could point fingers for a few more minutes.
Glenn: Myrtle's a fixture. I mean, would you want me to fire the light bulbs or to would you want me to throw our plumbing out into the cold?
Laurie: I would, if the pipes cost us more than any other pipe for doing inferior work. Look, I'm sure she will find another job, Glenn.
Glenn: Who's gonna hire her? She's useless. Can I at least wait until the end of the day? I would like to show her one last perfect day before she wanders off into the great unknown.
Laurie: Okay, I'm asking you to fire her, not kill her.
Glenn: How do you live with yourself?
Customer: Haw.
Mateo: Is sighing really gonna help me go faster? You're just wasting air.
Customer: Haw.
Mateo: Haw, haw, haw. There, how do you like it? I just can't make it work.
Mateo: Okay, I, I don't know how you check out people so quickly.
Garrett: Why don't you just go into Glenn's computer and change your stats?
Mateo: You can do that? You kidding me?
Garrett: I do it all the time. Why do you think I never work Fridays but get paid for Fridays?
Mateo: You think I should?
Cheyenne: Well, isn't that kind of like cheating?
Mateo: Not really. 'Cause if you think about it...
Garrett: It's cheating. It's 100% cheating.
Mateo: I think Garrett makes a good point. I'm gonna do it.
Cheyenne: Well, I guess while you're in there, you can change your employee photo too.
Mateo: Enough about the photo! I had a lot of sodium that morning.
Sandra: I just get nervous if I go too tight, it'll hurt the baby.
Dina: Women have been wearing corsets for centuries. If a little squeezing hurt, I think we would have heard something about it.
Sandra: There used to be really high infant mortality.
Dina: Fine, I'll go get Justine to help.
Sandra: No, no! I'll do it. I can do it.
Dina: Okay.
Sandra: Oh, it's pretty tight. I don't know.
Dina: Sandra, I swear to God.
Sandra: Why don't you just tell Laurie you're fat?
Dina: Because fat people are fat everywhere. This is clearly a baby bump.
Sandra: We could pad you all over, like how they do Hollywood actors. Eddie Murphy, Martin Lawrence, Tyler Perry. I am not intentionally just naming black actors.
Dina: Sandra, if I didn't need your Hulu password, I would kill you right now.
Glenn: Myrtle, what would be your idea of a perfect day?
Myrtle: I guess I'd like to spend one more day with my late husband, Charlie.
Glenn: Oh, okay, but what about a perfect day in the store?
Myrtle: If Charlie came in the store.
Glenn: Okay, I'm not God.
Garrett: Hey, Myrtle, you borrowed some scissors, and I need them back.
Glenn: You leave her alone! This is Myrtle's day! You take all the scissors you want, honey.
Amy: Hey, Laurie, um, can we talk to you?
Laurie: Sure, who's this?
Jonah: Hi, um, I'm Jonah. Simms.
Laurie: Mm, he does look like a male Tinkerbell.
Amy: Uh, you can't fire Myrtle. She is an invaluable asset to this store.
Laurie: Okay, Amy, I really don't want to fire anyone, right? Certainly not a sweet old lady, but corporate is on me to cut the budget.
Jonah: What if we found the savings elsewhere? Could she keep her job then?
Laurie: She makes $20 bucks an hour.
Jonah: Myrtle!? Dude, yeah, no, that makes sense. It's nice to see a woman not just making 79 cents on the dollar.
Amy: We can find those savings. I just cut my own home budget down simply by going to the library when I need the Internet, so if we do it, can she keep her job?
Laurie: Sure, yeah. Give it a try.
Jonah: All right.
Amy: Thank you.
Jonah: Tinkerbell.
Amy: I don't know where she heard that.
Jonah: I...it's tough.
Amy: Come on, you went to business school. Can't you just track down some wasteful spending?
Jonah: It's not like there's a line item for wasteful spending.
Amy: Well, let's think outside the box or cut the pork. Like, that's a thing, right?
Jonah: Those are words, yes.
Amy: Come on, Jonah. You can do this! I know you can do this. Come on, baby! Find the money! Show Mama the money.
Jonah: O-okay, all right, okay. I appreciate the energy, Mama. But can you let me focus?
Amy: Yeah, okay, whatever you need.
Jonah: Well, okay, we leave the A/C on in March. It's just competing with the heat. If we turn both of them off, that would save us $200.
Amy: Yes, okay! Mama smells the bacon 'cause Papa found the pork! 200 bucks!
Jonah: I don't like any of this.
Amy: Neither do I, but Mama can't stop. Okay.
Garrett: Why are you shutting the blinds?
Mateo: So no one can see us.
Garrett: Oh, you're afraid we might get caught changing your register scores?
Mateo: Fine. Can we just change the scores so we can get out of here?
Garrett: All right, I'm just looking for the right window. Glenn's taxes, Google search for how many tomatoes in the world, his church's MySpace page. Ah, here we are. Employee records.
Mateo: Okay.
Garrett: Your UPM score is now 120.
Mateo: 120? Isn't that kinda high?
Garrett: I don't know, man. I mean, we're here. You might as well change it to something impressive.
Mateo: You're right. This is my Tonya Harding moment, and I've gotta claw my way to the top. Okay. 121! It's a little less obvious.
Skipper Sailes: Excuse me, young lady. Do you have any sugar? My coffee is black with an 80% chance of cream.
Myrtle: There you go.
Glenn: Oh, my goodness. Myrtle, look. Isn't that Channel 4 weatherman Skipper Sailes in our very store?
Myrtle: I don't know. I watch Channel 5 with Craig Moeller.
Glenn: Oh. O-okay. I could have sworn you said Channel 4.
Skipper Sailes: Hey, it's cool. Craig's great. Really good at what he does.
Myrtle: Craig's the best.
Skipper Sailes: So, uh, Glenn, maybe you can just reimburse me for the coffee now.
Glenn: Yeah, later.
Skipper Sailes: Yeah, it's just otherwise, I need to submit it to the station as a...
Glenn: I said later, Skipper Sailes!
Laurie: Hey, you're Dina, right? Uh, the assistant manager?
Dina: Huh? What? Ah...
Laurie: I have a quick question about the shrink reports.
Dina: Sure, shoot.
Laurie: Do you wanna put the box down?
Dina: No, no, it's light.
Laurie: Okay. Uh, well, it says that shrink accounted for, like, 1.4% of total sales last month. But at the same time, the regional average actually dropped.
Dina: Mm, Mm-hmm.
Laurie: Now, starting in the month of...hang on...August...
Dina: Just ask the question! So sorry. I, uh hoo! Just have to, uh, use the restroom. So maybe we can discuss that later.
Laurie: Okay, great. You know what? I have to go too, so I'll tag along.
Dina: Great. That's great. Just, uh, follow me this way.
Laurie: You're bringing the kettlebells to the bathroom?
Dina: Yes, I am. They help me.
Jonah: Okay, if we got rid of break room coffee, we would save another $300 a year.
Amy: Great, let's take it. That would put us over $8,000.
Garrett: Hey, you guys taking the coffee?
Jonah: If we don't find enough budget cuts to cover her salary, Laurie is gonna fire Myrtle.
All: Oh.
Cheyenne: What?
Mateo: Wait, why would she fire Myrtle?
Amy: Nobody knows. It's just random.
Marucs: It's because she's a bitch. Laurie, not Myrtle.
Amy: Please, Jeff did all kinds of crappy things, and no one ever called him a bitch.
Garrett: When Jeff changed the vendors for the vending machine, you called him a [bleep].
Amy: Yeah, well, that's because the vending machine didn't have any Takis.
Marcus: Sorry, if Laurie is being a bitch, wouldn't the truly sexist thing be for me to not call her a bitch?
Amy: No, that's not the point.
Jonah: Actually, I think I kind of agree with Marcus.
Amy: What?
Marcus: Yes! Red pill brothers.
Jonah: No, I just mean if we had true equality, you could call out women for doing something terrible when they're doing something terrible.
Marcus: Like being a bitch.
Jonah: See, there's that word again. Maybe let's not use that.
Marcus: Don't?
Justine: Yeah, only women can use the word "bitch," 'cause we took that word back, right, ladies?
Mateo: No, bitch, the gays took that from you.
Amy: Okay, I think we're off track.
Jonah: To be honest, I'm not sure what on track would look like.
Marcus: Hey, if Hitler was a woman, would you be defending Hitler?
Amy: No, obviously not.
Cheyenne: What if Oprah hosted the Holocaust?
Jonah: I'm not sure one hosts a holocaust.
Justine: Don't mansplain her.
Amy: Okay, I'm not in favor of any holocaust, but if there was a holocaust, then yeah, Oprah's who I would want to host it.
Marcus: And I actually agree with that.
All: Mm-hmm.
Justine: Me too.
Mateo: Yeah.
Garrett: That's a really good I think we solved sexism, guys.
Glenn: Myrtle, you've been with us a long time. And all good things must come to an end. Myrtle, I am trying to talk to you.
Myrtle: Oh, I'm sorry. I, I just like looking at the trucks. I always wanted to drive one of those.
Glenn: All right, Myrtle. Are you sure you know what you're doing?
Myrtle: Yep. Breaker 1-9. This is Myrtle the Turtle saying, keep it groovy.
Radio Voice: Get off this channel.
Laurie: Mateo, I've just been going over everyone's UPM numbers. Your score's very impressive.
Mateo: Oh, really? Um, I thought it was just average. Maybe slightly above. But, uh, wow. Thank you.
Laurie: I mean, I've never seen 121 UPM before.
Cheyenne: 121! That's so stupid. Good. Stupid good.
Garrett: I didn't even know that the lasers could read the bar codes that quickly. Wow. Hey, you know what would be a good idea? If Mateo did a demonstration of his technique for the rest of us.
Mateo: What?
Laurie: I love that idea. Okay, excellent. Yes. Let's meet, register one, five minutes, okay?
Garrett: Five minutes, we'll be there.
Mateo: See you there. O-okay. What was that?
Garrett: That's what happens when you say that "Star Wars" and "Star Trek" are the same thing.
Mateo: What so this whole thing is just a setup because I insulted your stupid space opera?
Garrett: Shh! Save your energy.
Mateo: Oh, God.
Marcus: You're a good man.
Glenn: Look how good she's doing. Oh, that's my car. That's what I get for parking outside the lines.
Mateo: Is this everyone? Should we wait for more people?
Laurie: Mmm, nope. We're ready.
Mateo: Great. Just, ah. Ooh. You don't wanna start with cold muscles.
Garrett: Hey, you look pretty warm to me. It's showtime, Mateo.
Mateo: Okay. Great. So, um, first thing is, um, check the equipment. So, oh. Ah, looks like it's broken.
Cheyenne: You just turned it off. Here.
Mateo: Thank you, Cheyenne. So now we begin. Bees!
Laurie: What?
Mateo: Oh, I got stung! Bees! Killer bees! Killer bees! Get out of the store! There's killer bees! Get out! Get out! Killer bees!
Amy: This red area here represents all the money the store spends on utilities.
Jonah: Amy, that is a big slice of pie.
Amy: A very big slice, Jonah. I mean, I couldn't finish that. But when the store shifts over to LED and motion sensors, then something happens to that slice of pie. Next slide.
Jonah: Mmm.
Amy: That slice gets a lot smaller.
Jonah: Yeah, you know, if someone offered me a slice that size at a birthday party...
Laurie: Okay, I have to leave in two minutes, so if we could just hurry this up, please?
Jonah: Oh.
Amy: Yeah, of course. Go to the end.
Jonah: Okay.
Amy: Keep going.
Jonah: Let's see, uh, da-da-da.
Laurie: I'm sorry, was that the donkey from "Shrek"?
Amy: Yeah, that was for a budget pun, but it doesn't matter anymore.
Jonah: Oh, okay, here we go. Uh, once you've added up all the cost-saving provisions, the total savings comes to...
Amy: $18,326. Now, that's so many savings.
Jonah: Now, that is a lot of savings.
Laurie: Wow. That, I have to admit, is very impressive.
Amy: Thank you.
Jonah: That's nice of you to say.
Amy: Great, so, um so Myrtle gets to keep her job, then?
Jonah: Yay!
Laurie: Oh, I just, I'm sorry. I can't justify keeping her.
Jonah: Wait.
Amy: Umm, but you said that if we found the savings, you wouldn't fire her.
Laurie: I know that I said that, but yeah, I just honestly, I didn't think that you'd be able to do it. All right. Very impressive though and very good work. I got my eye on you guys. You have a very bright future. Oh. What's the joke about the donkey?
Jonah: Oh, uh, "Only an ass would keep writing blank Shreks for doughnut Thursdays."
Laurie: Funny.
Amy: Told you it wasn't funny.
Sandra: So you've never even been to Denver?
Laurie: No, why do people keep asking me that?
Dina: Laurie. Ah, quitting time, huh?
Laurie: Oh, yeah.
Dina: Man, I cannot wait to get home. I am gonna get drunk. Smoke some cigarettes, jump on my trampoline. Whoo!
Laurie: Okay, it's a big night. I'm sorry, you just you look different.
Dina: Whoa. You know, in the future, I'd appreciate if you didn't comment on my body. You're a woman. You should know better.
Jonah: So what do you think of Laurie now? B-word? C-word? A-word?
Amy: I think she's a [bleep].
Jonah: Okay, so same as Jeff.
Amy: Yeah, gender neutral.
Jonah: We've come a long way.
Myrtle: Yay!
Amy: What is happening?
Myrtle: Whoo! That was the best day ever!
Glenn: Oh, I'm so glad! Myrtle, you're fired. I feel terrible. Whoo, best day ever! Come on! Best day! Best day.
Superstore Season Three Transcripts