Amy: You guys, look. He's just like...
Cheyenne: Cool.
Mateo: Great. A rat.
Amy: Can I pet him?
Devon: No.
Amy: Come on.
Devon: You ask me that every year.
Amy: One of these days, I'm gonna wear you down.
Devon: Your poor husband.
Amy: Actually, um, no, we uh, we got a divorce a few months ago.
Devon: Oh no, I'm sorry to hear that.
Amy: Oh, no, it's totally fine, I'm in a healthy relationship with my DVR.
Devon: Okay, this might be a little bit out of left field, but, um, I know this awesome steak house. Let me buy you dinner, and then I can answer all of your groundhog-related questions?
Amy: Umm, oh, so like, you and I, we would, we would go to the steak house and, like eat the steak or maybe, like, order some sides or something like that?
Devon: Yeah, yeah, something like that.
Mateo: Oh, my God, this is so hard to watch.
Cheyenne: I know.
Amy: So, the thing is, like, I just got out of a really long-term relationship...oww!
Devon: Watch it! Gary!
Amy: Oww, he bit me.
Devon: Oh, come on, come on, little buddy, you okay?
Amy: He's gonna be okay.
Mateo: Does that mean we go straight to summer?
Garrett: Attention shoppers, our groundhog meet and greet has been cancelled. But if you were coming here to meet a rodent, your day was probably not gonna be amazing anyway.
Mateo: Ugh, I mean, that poor groundhog.
Amy: Look, I just got flustered. I'm not used to being flirted with.
Cheyenne: Well, at least you're getting back out there.
Tate: Oh, yeah? You're greasing up the old gears? Hitting the road again? Seeing if that rusty hull is still seaworthy?
Amy: What vehicle is this? No, I'm not ready to start dating.
Mateo: You sure? I have, like, five cousins who are very single.
Amy: Well, thank you, but no. I am taking this time to focus on me. I bought a bunch of succulents, and also, I'm trying Sudoku. I feel like I missed that craze the first time around.
Tate: You are a very, very boring woman.
Amy: Okay.
Tate: Okay, thank you.
Amy: Thanks for the Band-Aids.
Tate: That's all right.
Glenn: That's the embryo right before they implanted it in Dina's uterus. Isn't it cute?
Jonah: Yeah, I suppose it's cute, as far as amoeba-looking things can be.
Glenn: Well, I know it's just a bunch of cells now, but if everything goes well, that's my and Jerusha's baby.
Garrett: Look, I don't wanna freak you out, but are you sure it's yours? 'Cause it kinda looks like Elias.
Jonah: To be fair, all babies look like Elias.
Dina: Hey, I need you to sign this accident report. I'm gone for one morning, and Amy spikes a groundhog.
Glenn: What are you doing here? The doctor said to spend the rest of the day resting.
Dina: I'm fine, I've never missed a day of work before, and I'm not about to start because I had a few boba balls shot up my runway.
Jonah: The miracle of life.
Glenn: Okay, no, I am taking you home. Come on.
Dina: I'm not leaving the store.
Dina: This is dumb. If I wanna relax, I fly to Ohio. I don't just sit and do nothing.
Glenn: Dina, please, if this implantation fails, I don't have enough money to try again.
Dina: Fine, but I want it on the record that this is stupid.
Glenn: Noted, and thank you. All right. You know, you might be surprised. A little fresh air and quiet might be just the thing to, you know, put a smile back on your face. Enjoy.
Dina: I need you to give me that walkie. Excuse me. Jessica.
Marcus: So, word on the street is you are horny and looking for love.
Amy: Uh, no, who said that?
Marcus: Let's just say a little dumb bird and her gay friend bird told me.
Amy: Well, turns out you have bad information.
Marcus: Shh, shh, look, here's what we're gonna do. The second our shift ends, we're going to my place, we're getting in my water bed, and we're not leaving till we figure out this whole will they, won't they, Kermit and Miss Piggy thing we got going on.
Amy: Wait, sorry, am I Kermit or...
Marcus: Yeah, 'cause you're smart with skinny legs and I'm Miss Piggy because I'm a star. So, what do you think?
Amy: I just think it might be weird to date someone I work with, so...
Marcus: Okay, fine, then screw it. I will quit right now.
Amy: No.
Marcus: I no longer work here.
Amy: No, no.
Glenn: I need someone to cover for Dina today. Any volunteers?
Sandra: Well, I guess I could.
Garrett: Question. Is it possible to hook up an Xbox to the security monitors in Dina's office?
Glenn: I suppose so, yeah.
Garrett: You know, Glenn, I've always had an interest in management. I'll cover for Dina.
Glenn: Great.
Jonah: Ooh, Glenn, if he's doing that, can I do the announcements?
Glenn: Well, Garrett's assistant manager now, so it's up to him.
Jonah: I once did a radio play in college.
Garrett: Okay, fine, just don't tell me one more word about it.
Glenn: This is a good team.
Dina: Come on. Relax. Relax, relax, relax, relax, relax. Relax, damn it. Come on. Ugh. Nailed it.
Mateo: I sorry, I mean, I would help him myself, but he insisted on speaking with a manager.
Amy: Hi, I'm Amy, the floor manager.
Castor: I'm Castor. You look really nice.
Amy: Okay, how can I help you?
Mateo: Uh, Castor mentioned that he works in insurance, which is a very stable industry.
Castor: I used to work in textiles, but insurance was a dream of mine, so now I work in insurance.
Mateo: He took the leap.
Amy: I'm sorry, do you two know each other?
Mateo: No.
Castor: Mateo's my cousin.
Mateo: Hmm. Cousin, in, like, you know, all Filipinos are related...
Castor: Our mothers are sisters.
Amy: Okay.
Mateo: What is wrong with Castor?
Amy: Uh, he's weird, I'm not attracted to him, and when you mentioned that he "worked" in insurance, you could've mentioned it was horse insurance.
Mateo: There's a lot of money in that. Horses' lives are crazy.
Amy: I can handle my own love life, thank you.
Cheyenne: Are you sure, 'cause you are taking forever to smash it out.
Amy: Again, I am not ready to start dating, and if I were, why is that the cousin you set me up with? How about the one who always comes in to buy his protein powder?
Mateo: You think you can land Rogelio? Straight girl, please. Cheyenne, back me up here.
Amy: I mean, I am way out of Castor's league, right?
Cheyenne: Oh, for oh, you? Right now? I, Castor seems good.
Jonah: Attention Cloud 9 shoppers. Sushi is on sale at the deli. Mmm, discount sushi from a big box store. Why just eat when you can gamble at the same time? You know what, that sounded harsher than what I meant it to. If you like the sushi, just get the sushi.
Kelly: Are you okay?
Jonah: Yeah, I just, I'm trying to do it like Garrett, but I'm a little better, I think feeding off someone, you know, riffing in the moment.
Kelly: Yeah, sure, like a co-host, like, like, Kelly Ripa.
Jonah: Yes, or Hoda.
Kelly: Okay, all right then let's riff.
Jonah: Oh, all right. You ready?
Kelly: Yeah.
Jonah: Maybe we need to rehearse a little bit.
Kelly: Okay.
Garrett: No, I am at work. I'm getting paid to sit around and play video games all day. Aww, sorry, Craig, I forgot you got fired.
Sandra: Hey Garrett, can I leave a little early? I teach water aerobics to seniors after work, and they yell at me if I'm late. It can get racist. They don't know what I am, so it's kind of all over the place.
Garrett: Kinda busy, I say you just do you.
Sandra: Really? Dina normally says that...
Garrett: Just do whatever you want. No, not you, Craig, you need to go back to Staples and make things right.
Mateo: Amy, I'm gonna give you some gay man tough love right now. Okay? You ready? I wanna make sure you're ready.
Amy: What, Mateo?
Mateo: Okay, no tea, no shade you're not a ten right now. It's not about your looks. You just have some major dings. You're over 30, you're divorced, you have a kid.
Amy: Cheyenne has a baby, does that give her a ding?
Cheyenne: No, because I have a baby the way that Chrissy Teigen has a baby. You have an old baby, so that's a double ding.
Mateo: Yeah.
Carol: Plus, you're probably really out of practice sex-wise.
Amy: Excuse me?
Mateo: And I'm guessing your downstairs is a jungle?
Tate: Mmm, retro. Nothing wrong with that.
Amy: No, it is a manicu-, you know what? I am not gonna defend myself. This whole system of rating people is gross.
Carol: What's my number?
Mateo: Um, you're a four, Justine's a three.
Justine: But it's cool, 'cause I clean up on twos. Girl's trip!
Cheyenne: No, Sarah's a seven, Brett's an eight, Tate's a ten because he has a good job and abs.
Tate: That's correct, I'm the complete package.
Justine: Wait, what number is Amy? Are we tied?
Amy: God no! I'm sorry, that was not no, I think you're beautiful. See, this whole system just sets us back.
Mateo: You're just a little bit higher than Justine.
Amy: A little higher? No offense, Justine, we're all God's creatures. What?
Jonah: Attention Cloud 9 shoppers. Roma tomatoes are now $2.99 a pound. $2.99, Kelly a small price to pay for a taste of Italy.
Kelly: That's for sure. Now, Jonah, I always forget are tomatoes a fruit or are they a vegetable?
Jonah: Oh, I say vegetables so I get credit for eating my veggies.
Kelly: I know, right?
Jonah: Busted, okay, I'm busted.
Glenn: Well, someone's looking relaxed.
Dina: Huh? Oh, yeah. I've been staring at these rocks for the past hour. If you soften your focus, it kinda looks like two bats making paella.
Glenn: Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah, anyway, um, if you really wanna get up, I guess it's okay, but you have to promise to take it easy.
Dina: Actually, I'd like another ten minutes if it's okay. A hummingbird flew by and I wanna see if he comes back.
Glenn: Take all the time you need. Can I get you anything?
Dina: Really?
Glenn: Yeah.
Dina: I mean, I could use a snack just some baby carrots.
Glenn: Okay.
Dina: And pita chips.
Glenn: Mm-hmm.
Dina: Ooh, and dips hummus, vegan tzatziki, maybe a guac. Yeah, for sure a guac. And if you could stack them in a bowl preferably glass so I can see the layers that'd be great, thanks.
Glenn: Okay. I'll see what we have that wasn't part of the listeria outbreak.
William: You think it fits?
Amy: Yeah, I don't say this very often, but that Cloud 9 suit looks really great on you.
William: Oh, thanks.
Amy: Hey, um, can I ask you a question?
William: Yeah.
Amy: Would you go out on a date with someone like me?
William: Oh, I'm married.
Amy: Oh, no, no, no, I'm not asking you out. I just mean, like, theoretically. Like, say your wife died and you're single now.
William: What? Why would she have died?
Amy: Okay fine, she never existed, or she was abducted. And you're not sad, you're fine. You were looking for a way out, and it led you to me, so on a scale from one to ten, I'm like a eight minimum, right?
William: Uh, yeah, um, you know what? I, uh, I have a lot of great clothes at home, so I'll just, I'll just wear those before I go out shopping. Thank you.
Amy: Okay.
Glenn: Garrett, what happened?
Garrett: Yeah, I don't know, Sandra was on softlines.
Glenn: What?
Garrett: Oh, you know what? She had to do something, so I told her she could bounce. All right, I'll see you later.
Glenn: No, wh-wh-wh-wh-whoa. You can't go home until this is cleaned up.
Garrett: Seriously? Well, it's gotta get done, Mr. Acting Assistant Manager.
Garrett: Oh, why are these pants moist?
Glenn: Oh yeah, that happens.
Garrett: Ugh.
Amy: Hey, so, um, I know this might sound weird, but on a scale from one to ten...
Jonah: Sorry, hang on, one second. Hey, do you wanna run it once before we get on the mic, or just kinda dive in and use that opening night energy?
Kelly: Let's just go for it.
Jonah: That's what I thought. Sorry, what were you saying?
Amy: Uh, you're busy. I'll come back later.
Jonah: Okay, what do you think?
Jonah and Kelly: Swiss cheese is on sale now, on sale now. Better get it fast. 'Cause it will sell o-out...
Tate: Ugh, maybe we should allow bullying in schools if it'll prevent stuff like this.
Amy: Yeah, tell me about it.
Tate: Tough day at the office? I'm just kidding, you don't have an office.
Amy: You know, it hasn't been great, Tate. I killed a groundhog probably and if it lives, it'll never be the same. And I learned that on a scale from one to ten, I am immensely unappealing.
Tate: You can't listen to what people here say. They're all idiots. Today, one of them asked me whether he's supposed to eat the cotton inside the pill bottle.
Amy: Elias?
Tate: Elias, yeah. Look, I know everyone here is trying to hook you up with a bunch of randos, but you should hold out for a good one. You deserve that.
Amy: Well, that that kinda sounds like a line, but, um, thank you.
Tate: Well, listen, I don't know if you feel like a drink, but I know a great little spot. I told them that I'm a veteran, so I drink for half price.
Amy: Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Tate: Okay, good to know. That's fine.
Amy: Um, more drinks please. Mm, mm. Just one second, okay.
Tate: Sure, sure. Let's go.
Amy: Okay.
Glenn: Jebediah Grey's got a baby on the way. Oh goodness me, a papa he will be. For the lord... Dina? Were you here all night?
Dina: Hmm? Oh, yeah, I guess I fell asleep. Oh wow, I feel rested. You know some of my birds have night terrors, so it's usually hard for me to get that deep REM.
Glenn: Well, ah, that's, that's great. I'm glad you got some rest. Yeah, why don't you, uh, you know, get changed and we'll get to work, huh?
Dina: Yeah, okay.
Glenn: Hey, it's gonna be a big day. Quarterlies are due. Plus, we're doing double coupons on catheters, and at least two retirement homes are bussing in the oldies. So...
Dina: Ooh, boy.
Glenn: What?
Dina: Oh, I Just got this feeling like a marble rolling around in my uterus, I mean, gosh, I wonder what that's about. Probably nothing. Anyway, up and at 'em.
Glenn: No, no, no, no, you stay on that couch! That sweet little marble is the only thing that matters.
Dina: Okay, I mean, I will continue to lay, but only if that's what you want.
Glenn: I do. You relax.
Dina: Hey, would you mind grabbing me some wet wipes and a bottle of Febreze? I wanna take a little whore's bath before the store opens.
Tate: Well, hey there, brown hair.
Amy: Hi.
Tate: Hi.
Amy: Okay, bye.
Tate: Well, I woke up feeling very satisfied this morning. Must've been the great night I had last night.
Amy: Cool, um, I threw up in my driveway.
Tate: Oof.
Amy: So, um, Tate, last night was fun and impulsive.
Tate: Mm-hmm.
Amy: And expensive.
Tate: Yeah, sorry I forgot my credit card.
Amy: Yeah, uh, but I think it would be great if we kept it between us. You know how people around here talk and gossip, and we don't want that, so...
Tate: Understood. Your secret's safe with me. When I journal about this and I will, I will call you Consuela.
Amy: Okay.
Tate: Adios, Consuela.
Jonah: Pro tip, if you cup the mic, you get a nice voice-of-God effect.
Garrett: Oh, why don't you go out to Los Angeles and give Laura Dern some acting tips?
Jonah: Always with Laura Dern.
Garrett: She's amazing.
Glenn: Okay, I gotta go feed Dina's birds, so today's the same as yesterday. Garrett, you're AM, Jonah and Kelly, you're on announcements.
Garrett: Wait, no, I just...
Glenn: No. No. I don't have time to argue, okay? I gotta go Google how to give insulin to a parrot.
Mateo: So, this is my cousin, Nestor. He is studying to be a receptionist, and he sleeps on the top bunk.
Amy: Hard pass.
Mateo: Okay, you can't just wait for the Rogelios of the world. You gotta lower the bar a little.
Cheyenne: Yeah, eventually you're gonna have to put yourself back out there.
Amy: Okay, not that it's any of your business, but, um, last night, I did put myself out there.
Cheyenne: Wait, you hooked up? With who?
Amy: Doesn't matter, all you need to know is that I can definitely do better than Nestor.
Cheyenne: Was it a guy or a girl?
Amy: Guy.
Mateo: Does he work here?
Amy: Yes, but I really shouldn't...
Cheyenne: Does he wear a hat?
Sometimes, I don't know. We're not playing "Guess Who?"
Cheyenne: Was it Brett? 'Cause I've been shipping you guys.
Amy: No.
Mateo: Oh, my God, did you have a three-way with Elias?
Amy: What? These are your guesses? No, it was somebody better-looking, someone more on my level.
Cheyenne: Marcus.
Mateo: Cody.
Cheyenne: Mary.
Amy: Okay, it was Tate.
Cheyenne: Tate?
Mateo: You bitch.
Amy: Yeah, and it wasn't a big deal, and technically, he's a ten, and he was totally into it. So, maybe do the math on that.
Kelly: So, hang on now, Sandra, you're from Hawaii, but you've never been to the beach?
Jonah: What?
Sandra: No, I am deathly afraid of the water.
Jonah: Uh!
Sandra: Never even saw the ocean.
Jonah: Wow, that is too much. Now, are you afraid of all water, or just the ocean?
Sandra: I'd like to answer your question with another question. Where do hermit crabs live?
Jonah: Get a load of her.
Kelly: Where don't they live? You know what I mean?
Tate: There she is. So, I was thinking that maybe we could head up the Delta Sky Lounge, drop some miles at the bar, see where it goes.
Amy: Tate, I was thinking.
Tate: Yeah?
Amy: Maybe we should just keep last night as a one-time thing.
Tate: Oh.
Amy: It's just that, like, I was in a weird place and I was sort of feeling down on myself, and people even in this store were saying, like, I couldn't bag a ten.
Tate: Okay, so, I was just some kind of trophy for you to wave around to your friends? Is that it, huh? Another notch in your bedpost?
Amy: Shh, shh, no. Tate, can we please just not make a scene?
Marcus: Well, well, well. Look who banged the pharmacist.
Tate: Yeah.
Marcus: I guess sometimes Kermit goes home with Beaker.
Marcus: I thought you didn't date people from work.
Amy: I didn't, I don't, we're not dating.
Tate: Oh, no, you made that abundantly clear. I guess I'm just a human vibrator, built for Amy's pleasure.
Amy: Okay, um, could we just, you know, this is a very public space.
Marcus: May I remind you that I had dibs, so whatever you did with him, you also have to do with me. That's what's fair.
Amy: Um, that's not a thing.
Marcus: But you promised.
Mateo: Oh, so you're just tossing that cat around, but Nestor can't get a turn.
Amy: I'm not tossing anything around, and I don't want to be dating anyone anywhere.
William: Well, that's not how it seemed yesterday. You were totally hitting on me.
Amy: What are you doing here?
William: It's a store, I'm allowed to be here.
Tate: Unbelievable.
Justine: Someone's thirsty.
Marcus: Guys, enough. Look, I had dibs, so the order goes me, beard guy, then Nestor, before we come back around to Tate again.
Jonah: What's going on?
Cheyenne: Amy hooked up with Tate, and then asked bearded guy out even though Marcus has dibs. Nestor's still in the mix, and that woman needs Tide, but no one's helping her.
Jonah: You hooked up with Tate? Um, I, I mean, wow, it's a big day for you.
Carol: Maybe you need to take a little break from dating and get tested.
Amy: I can't take a break from dating because I never started dating.
Cheyenne: Yeah, guys, she's just banging out dudes right now.
Tate: Bzz, bzz, bzz. Human vibrator reporting for duty. Yeah, turn me on, use me up, and chuck me back in the drawer.
Waiting Customer: I just want the Tide.
Mateo: Aisle 17. Stop ruining this.
Dina: Yep, get back in there. Ohh, mama.
Glenn: I think I wanna call Jerusha and tell her what we're doing.
Dina: Already called her. She's cool with it. There it is.
Sandra: Yeah, hey Garrett. So, softlines is all good. Could I maybe take an early lunch? My cat's in the hospice.
Garrett: No, if I let you leave early, then I have to take somebody off register, to cover your section.
Sandra: Yeah, but this is my last chance to say goodbye.
Garrett: Shut up, Sandra! I'm not this is not here, you take it. You be the assistant manager.
Sandra: What?
Garrett: Just take it!
Kelly: Cloud 9's new bath towels are extra fluffy and made from recycled other towels. And here to talk to us about them is famous actor, Al Pacino. How's Hollywood, Al?
Jonah: Oh, uh, these towels are great. Hoo-ah.
Kelly: Are you okay?
Jonah: Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm just, I'm not really feeling it, so...
Kelly: Oh, okay. If you like towels, then, uh, this is "The Godfather" of towels. You can use them to clean up your "Scarface."
Jonah: That is not good.
Kelly: These towels are 40% off.
Jonah: "These towels are 40% off. And even if it's not a question, you gotta end up here. But then you're down, then you're down here. Because when you were younger, when you were in Serpico."
Kelly: No.
Jonah: Hoo-ah, I'm just getting warmed up.
Kelly: Al Pacino, everyone. He's back.
Superstore Season Three Transcripts