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S01E11-Harmonica This page is a transcript for the Season One episode Labor

Dina: Am I looking weak to you?
Garrett: "Hey, Garrett, how was your day?" That's how normal people start a conversation.
Dina: When I was management, I had power. Why did I give that up? We were number one in shrink reduction and last in employee satisfaction. I did that. Now the world just seems dull or something.

Cheyenne: Aaaaah!
Mateo: Guys?
Amy: Okay. Time to go to the hospital?
Cheyenne: I don't think I'm gonna make it to the hospital. I think I'm having this baby here.
Glenn: Okay. We need towels. Someone run to the store and buy some towels! No, wait! We're a store! Get some towels!
Mateo: On it.
Amy: You're not gonna have the baby in the store. You have plenty of time, Chey.
Jonah: And it could be false labor. You know? That's called a Braxton Hicks contraction.
Amy: This baby is not gonna be born in Cloud 9.
Jonah: Maybe it's Braxton Hicks.
Amy: Okay, we get it. You know the term Braxton Hicks. We're all very impressed.
Cheyenne: No, I'm having this baby here.
Glenn: Okay, this is it! This is happening!
Dina: I feel nothing.
Garrett: Attention, shoppers. Is there a doctor in the Who am I kidding? This is Cloud 9. Anybody here watched a lot of "Grey's Anatomy?" Maybe "Nurse Jackie"? Not "The Knick."
Mateo: Towels. Towels. Towels. Oh.
Tate: Move! Pharmacist coming through. Step aside. I need room. All right, Cheyenne. I need you to listen to me here, and we will get through this. Now, in the last 24 hours, have you taken any medication I need to know about?
Cheyenne: Just some Tums.
Tate: Calcium carbonate. That's fine. It's not gonna harm the baby. All right.
Amy: Oh, yeah. That's it?
Tate: Well, yeah. I'm a pharmacist. I don't know how to deliver a baby. Gross. But, um, good luck. My training kicked in. You're welcome, everyone.
Jonah: Okay, that's good. If the contractions are longer, that means you're in it's called active labor, so I guess you're in active labor. I'm gonna go get some stuff.
Dina: Okay, look. I took part in a cow birth once. The calf died, but I learned what not to do.
Glenn: No, no, no, no.
Jonah: Will we need cotton balls? I'll get cotton balls.
Mateo: No, no. Ooh, yes.
Glenn: Cheyenne, I want you to wait until you have an uncontrollable urge to push, okay? And then, you're gonna bear down with all your strength for ten seconds at a time, okay?
Amy: I can't believe you know how to handle this.
Glenn: Well, I played the abortion doctor in a Hell house once.
Amy: Oh, cool.
Sandra: If it helps, I'm a trained midwife.
Amy: Garrett, you're filming this?
Garrett: Yeah, for Bo. I figured he'd want to see it.
Amy: All right. Can everyone else back up? This is a private moment. You're doing great. I'm right here.
Uptight Lady: Excuse me, miss. What's the difference between a sunblock and a sunscreen?
Glenn: This is it! The baby's coming!
Mateo: All right. That's nice. I like that. I like that. Oh, okay.
Glenn: Yeah, this is it, guys. It's coming. This is the moment.
Cheyenne: Oh, um The contractions stopped.
Jonah: Oh. That's, um huh. Braxton Hicks, I guess. It's false labor.
Cheyenne: I guess it should put on my pants now.

Amy: The company's targeted maneuvers are also a direct reflection of its mission. It reads, "Cloud 9's mission statement is a lower price point creates a"...okay, I'm sorry. Cheyenne? You okay?
Cheyenne: I'm fine. I just...the baby's compressing my lungs and making it really hard for me to just take a full breath. But I'm okay.
Amy: No, you're not okay. You almost gave birth to your child in the store yesterday.
Garrett: Yeah, dude, I wish I had an excuse this good to ditch work.
Cheyenne: I can't go home. I need the hours, you know? For this little girl. Oh!
Mateo: Did it kick?
Cheyenne: No, I just I touch myself here and it makes me pee a little bit.
Glenn: Oh.
Amy: This is ridiculous. She shouldn't have to kill herself just to have a baby.
Jonah: Did you guys know that in every other first-world nation, paid maternity leave is just automatic?
Garrett: Whoa, no, no, you are not gonna forward us another article.
Cheyenne: Oh! Oh, that was a big one.
Amy: These meetings are worse from up here.

Amy: Each of us would officially take a sick day, but we'd still come in, and we'd clock in as Cheyenne, so that she can take the day off, but still get paid.
Mateo: Right. And she can just pay us back later?
Jonah: Cloud 9 made over a billion dollars last year. Why don't we just ask them to pay for maternity leave?
Amy: Oh, you want to just call corporate and ask them? That sounds easy.
Jonah: It's worth a shot, isn't it? I mean, what's the worst they can do, say no?

Phone: Employee services.
Amy: Hi, this is Amy Dubanowski from Store 1217. We have an employee here who's about to have a baby, and I was wondering if maybe we could get her some paid maternity leave.
Phone: I'm sorry, we don't offer paid maternity leave.
Jonah: Don't just give up.
Amy: Well, some of us were wondering if you could change that policy, because we really want it.
Phone: Um, that's just not something we offer.
Jonah: Okay, but is it, like, a conversation you guys are having? Because I know other big companies do offer it. Typically, their employees would be in unions.
Phone: Transferring now. Please hold.
Amy: What are you doing? Why would you say that?
Jonah: Say what?
Jeremy: Hi there, Amy. This is Jeremy, vice president of employee relations.
Amy: Hi. I don't know exactly...
Jeremy: Do me a solid and hang tight for one second, Aim.
Jonah: What's happening?
Amy: I don't know.
Phone: Please hold for Greg.
Amy: Who's Greg? Why are we getting Greg?
Greg: Go for Greg.
Jeremy: Hey, it's Jeremy. I've got Rebecca from legal and Amy from Store 1217, where we've got that union problem.
Amy: Oh, no!
Jonah: No.
Amy: No. We were talking about maternity leave and somebody very annoying mentioned the word "union."
Phone: Whoa, let's just all calm down, take a breath, step back from the ledge.
Amy: No, no, no, no. No, there's no ledge. Nobody's talking about unions.
Jonah: No way.
Amy: And nobody's going on strike.
Phone: Please hold.
Phone: Yeah, hi. Okay, you've got Howard, Sue, Cheryl, Keith, Guillermo...
Jonah: That's so many people.
Phone: Renee, and Alan here.
All: Hello.
Amy: Hi.
Jonah: Hi.
Phone: Okay, hang tight down there, 1217. We're sending someone down to you first thing tomorrow morning.
Amy: No.
Phone: Good stuff?
Jonah: No, no, no, no, wait, wait.
Amy: You don't have to do that.
All: Bye.
Phone: Amazing talk.
Jonah: Wow. How did I not know your last name is Dubanowski?

Steve: Morning, everyone. Grab some coffee. Help yourself to a doughnut hole.
Glenn: You see what's going on here, right? Corporate smells trouble, so they send in a shark. A big, swinging wiener. Have him swing his wiener around a little. Give us a slap on the wrist. A little rap on the knuckles from a big, swinging wiener.
Amy: This is gonna be a long day.
Jonah: Yeah.
Steve: Hello, 1217. My name is Steve. Does anyone here know who I am?
Mateo: I know. A union buster.
Steve: Good one. I'm gonna remember that one. Funny. No, I am a labor relations consultant. Cloud 9 isn't anti-union. Unions are great for people whose companies don't listen to them. But whatever your concerns are, you can always bring them right to corporate any time.
Jonah: Oh, great. Some of us did have some concerns that I wanted to ask you about.
Steve: And I want to hear about them. But first, we're gonna have some fun. Yeah? Has everyone gotten some coffee and a doughnut hole?

Steve: Now we're going to do a little role-playing exercise, and I've roped in your manager, Glenn, here to help me out. Um, okay. Thank you. You're gonna play a union organizer, and you're gonna try to get me to sign this union card. Okay?
Glenn: Sure. OK. Hi, hello. My name's Steve, and the union...
Steve: Okay. You know what? You're doing great. But my name is Steve, so that might be a little confusing for everyone. So maybe pick another name.
Glenn: Okay, sure. Sorry. I'm just a little nervous.
Steve: You're doing great. All right.
Glenn: Um, hi. My name's Steve. All right.
Steve: I'm gonna be the Steve in this scene, right? So...
Glenn: All right, all right. You're Steve.
Steve: Okay.
Glenn: Sorry, misunderstanding.
Steve: You're doing great.
Glenn: Okay. All right. Hello there, Steve. My name's Steve.
Steve: Literally, you know what? Any other name in the entire universe.
Glenn: Steve.
Steve: Okay, you know what? Let's give Glenn a round of applause. You did great. No worries. All right. Maybe a different volunteer. How about you with the purple polo? Thank you for that, Dina. Dina's gonna be our union organizer, and she's gonna try to get me to sign this union card. Let's see if Dina is up for the challenge.
Dina: Okay. Hey, how'd you like to join a union?
Steve: No, thanks. I don't need to. Cloud 9 already listens to my concerns.
Dina: I really think it'd be in your best interests to sign this card.
Steve: Please don't bully me. I do not need to pay someone to speak for me. See? I shut her down. Those are two examples.
Dina: Stop interrupting me. You will sign this card or I will choke the life out of you.
Steve: Whoa. Wow. And the Oscar goes to Dina. Right? See, she was playing a character there that was a little...
Dina: Oh, I'm not playing a character. This is me, Dina, talking to you, union buster Steve. I'm in a dark place right now, and quite frankly, I have nothing left to lose. So you will sign this f**cking card, or I will be waiting for you in the parking lot at the end of the night, where I will wrap my hands around that tiny chicken neck of yours and stare deep into your eyes while I watch the lights go out.
Steve: Let's take a break.

Sandra: You want some of mine? Oooh.

Glenn: Hey. Hey, man. Just want to let you know, I know names besides Steve.
Steve: Of course you do.
Glenn: There's Glenn, and there's, um...Steve. Thanks for your time.

Steve: Now you have the facts. How you choose to use them is up to you. Thank you.
Amy: Oh, thank you, God.
Jonah: I know, right? Excuse me, sorry. Sorry, guys, but you had said earlier that maybe we could voice some concerns at the end of the meeting?
Amy: Thank you, Jonah.
Jonah: I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Steve: Absolutely. Cloud 9 has an open door policy.
Jonah: Great. So a couple of us were talking about the possibility of paid maternity leave for the employees?
Steve: You know, Cloud 9 is devoted to supporting the welfare and values of all of its workers.
Okay? Thanks.
Jonah: Could you be a little more specific?
Steve: I love this.
Jonah: Great.
Steve: We love this kind of passion and integrity that adds to all the colors of the cloud.
Jonah: Great, but you're not actually saying anything.
Steve: That's because I'm truly listening. You know what I just realized? We have enough doughnut holes for all of you to have one more each! Right? Dig in, everyone. Line up.
Jonah: Guys, they've been there for hours.

Jonah: That meeting was such a joke. They're not going to do anything for Cheyenne. They don't care.
Garrett: You're just realizing that now. This company, that wouldn't even spring for full doughnuts, just doughnut holes?
Jonah: It's not just about Cheyenne. It's about all of us. We're the people that make this company run. They need to start treating us better. Like Mateo what was it you were complaining about yesterday?
Mateo: Oh.
Jonah: Remember?
Mateo: Yeah. Why are our customers so ugly?
Garrett: Mmm, yeah.
Jonah: No, how they keep us under 40 hours so they don't have to give us benefits?
Mateo: Oh, right, yeah. That sucks too.
Sandra: I haven't had a raise in five years.
Jonah: There you go.
Sandra: I mean, not to complain. Sorry, I'm babbling. Sorry.
Jonah: No, no. We should be speaking up about this. It's like we don't have any leverage. You know, maybe we should form a union.
Mateo: Okay, calm down.
Garrett: Dude, you can't get everybody here to agree to join a union.
We couldn't even agree on a theme for our summer barbecue. Ended up being "1980s, Arabian Nights, Under The Sea, Harry Potter."
Jonah: So you just want everything to stay exactly the same? That's ridiculous! What if Rosa Parks...
Garrett: Whoa.
Jonah: Got it. Amped up, sorry.

Glenn: Look at him. Mister big pants. Just waiting for us to slip up so he can bring the hammer down.
Amy: I think he's just having a coffee.
Glenn: Oh, come on. Mister big pants. Just swinging that big old wiener around.
Amy: And we're back to wiener.

Dina: Here. I was told to hand you these to read, 'cause that's my job now. I drop off pieces of paper. Look at that. Nailed it.
Garrett: Hey, you want to read one?
Dina: Me?
Garrett: I mean, it's not exactly like being the boss, but it has sort of a voice of God quality about it. Everyone has to listen to you.
Dina: Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers. We are offering a 10% discount on all wrapping paper and gift bags. Come check out this heavenly deal. Oh.
Garrett: Feels powerful, right?
Dina: No, I just never realized my voice had just such a weak, tinny quality.
Garrett: No, you've got a nice voice.
Dina: No, you've succeeded in humiliating me. "You've succeeded in humiliating me." That's me. That's what I sound like.
Garrett: You don't sound anything like...
Dina: Stop making me talk. This is a nightmare.

Amy: "Intent to unionize."
Jonah: Yep.
Amy: "International Brotherhood of Sanitation Workers."
Jonah: I printed it off the web. I'm gonna cross that out and write "Cloud 9."
Amy: I'm sorry, were you not at that extremely long and early meeting this morning?
Jonah: Yeah, I was, and all it did was confirm that nothing is gonna change around here unless we change it. If you want to help Cheyenne, this is the way to do it.
Amy: No, this is stupid.
Jonah: It's worth a shot.
Amy: No. That's what you said about calling corporate in the first place. Not everything is worth a shot.
Jonah: I'm sorry. I'm not the kind of person who just stands by doing nothing while people around me need help.
Amy: Oh. Okay. Yeah, I get it. You have an image of your head of leading all the workers out in some dramatic walkout, and you're gonna bring down the man. But let me tell you something. Real people's jobs are at stake.
Jonah: I am so sick and tired of being painted as the stupid idealist while you get to be the smart, pragmatic one.
Amy: I'm not saying you're stupid. I'm saying you don't know how the real world works.
Jonah: There's a difference between not knowing how the real world works and not having the guts to do something about it.
Amy: Oh, okay.
Jonah: Is she having her baby?
Amy: Yeah, I think so.
Jonah: We should...
Amy: Yeah.

Amy: Oh, Cheyenne, she's awesome.
Glenn: Harmonica.
Cheyenne: Oh, could you not baptize my baby?
Glenn: Oh, I'm sorry. Force of habit.
Cheyenne: Glenn, if it's okay, I might just be, like, ten minutes late tomorrow.
Amy: Cheyenne, you are not coming to work tomorrow.
Cheyenne: I need the money, and they said I would mostly be done bleeding by then.
Glenn: But you should be with the baby, though.
Cheyenne: It's okay. My mom can watch her. I'm gonna leave her with some of my clothes, so she can start to learn my smell.
Glenn: Cheyenne, this is unacceptable. You've distracted us from our work. You've left your insides all over the floor, and now you've brought your child to work.
Amy: Glenn, what are you...
Glenn: No, no, no. I mean it. You're suspended. For four weeks. With pay.
Cheyenne: But I...
Glenn: But? You want to make it six weeks? Okay, fine. Bam. Six weeks. Paid suspension. You want to keep going, Missy?
Cheyenne: No, I'm good.
Glenn: Good.
Cheyenne: I'm ready to go now. Thank you.
Garrett: Bye, Harmonica.
All: Bye.
Jonah: Congratulations.

Glenn: Yeah.
Amy: Hey, Glenn. I just wanted to say that what you did back there was awesome.
Glenn: Thank you.
Amy: Don't worry. You won't even notice Cheyenne is gone.
Glenn: I'm not worried. It's not my problem anymore.
Amy: What are you what are you talking about?
Glenn: Yeah, they let me go.
Amy: What?
Glenn: Yeah.
Amy: They can't just fire you. You've given your whole life to this place.
Glenn: Don't worry, I'll still be in the store all the time. Just as a customer. I'll say stuff like, "Hey, can you tell me where the dental floss is?" Well, probably not, 'cause I already know where it is. Unless you decide to move it.
Amy: What? What are you talking about?
Glenn: They asked me if I wanted to make a suggestion for my replacement, and nobody knows this store better than you.
Amy: Um, no. I'm not doing it.
Glenn: Then they'll just get someone else.
Amy: I don't care, Glenn. I'm not taking your job.
Glenn: Amy, wait! Someone is going to be in that chair tomorrow. And that person has to take care of everyone in this store. I'd rather that person be you than some stranger. Amy, you're a leader, and the people here need a leader. Can you do that?
Amy: Yeah. I can do it.

Amy: Jonah.
Jonah: Ah, bu-bup-bup. You think I'm doing it wrong, but if we stack them five wide and low, they're less prone to toppling. What's wrong?
Amy: They fired Glenn.
Jonah: What?
Amy: Yeah, so, um...about that walkout.

Amy: Mateo. Glenn got fired. We're walking out. Are you coming?
Mateo: Yeah. Sorry, was doing a teal and green story.

Jonah: Garrett, all the employees are leaving early because they're staging a walkout because Glenn got fired.
Garrett: Sure, man, that works.

Customer: You still have my credit card. Hello?

Steve: Oh, no, no. You guys do not have to do this. Okay, you know what? I understand that you're upset about Glenn. I know and I get that. No, no. Come on. Corporate cares.

Glenn: Sure, Glenn. Help yourself to a brand-new car, just this once. Job's going great. What could possibly go wrong?
Jonah: Is this gonna work?
Amy: I don't know. But it's worth a shot, right?
Garrett: So what now?
Dina: Attention, please. Listen up. I have something I'd like to say. I know you're scared. This is a big moment. But rest assured Cloud 9 will be fine without you.
Amy: Come on.
Glenn: Dina.
Dina: Anyway, I've demagnetized your keycards, and you will receive your final paychecks in the mail with the costs of your vests deducted from them. Nothing personal. I wish you all luck, but I've got a store to manage. Thank you. This really cheered me up. Oh, and have a heavenly day.

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